If your love life has gone cold, the problem may not be external. Millions of people have picky dating habits and high standards without even knowing it. That is one of the chief reasons why they fail to find a loving partner. So, if you’re struggling, it’s time to look inward and analyze your own dating habits to see whether you are too picky or not. What are the signs that you’re a picky dater? Keep reading to find out!
Difference Between Picky and Not Settling
Excessive selectivity is an issue that can lead to dissatisfaction and self-sabotage. It’s fairly self-explanatory, but it can have a big impact on your love life. Surely, everyone has the right to set standards when it comes to dating. If you’re sick of dating apps and tons of hookup offers from annoying fuckboys, it’s perfectly fine to say no. But it’s crucial to constantly re-examine your standards.
If you allow your fears and past issues to warp your dating standards, you could end up looking for an idealized partner. Essentially, people can fall back on their standards and blame them for their unsuccessful love life. In turn, that can lead to boring dates, lack of romance, as well as lack of sex and intimacy.
Why It’s Harmful
Still, we’re not saying you should settle for less than you deserve. But, to avoid excessive selectivity, you need to keep your options open. You have to think about your long term dating habits objectively.
Of course, it’s worth noting the difference between being picky and choosing not to settle. With not settling, people will only consider potential dating partners with various qualities that make them happy. With pickiness, you’re completely avoiding compromise, uncertainty, and even tons of fun.
The trick is to understand the meaning of compromise. Also, you need to assess your own identity. Pickiness can turn dating into a chore, forcing you to only focus on the end goal. It’s an “all or nothing” approach. It enforces specific wants/expectations and even firm requirements that can actually do more harm than good. In the worst case, you could refuse to date altogether and end up alone.
They Are Not Good Enough
As you can see, there are many different ways in which you can be picky. One of the first telltales signs is being nitpicky on your date and always re-examining your partner. You could feel that there’s always something wrong with the other person. Quite often, you may never know if there’s a real problem or not.
To put it simply, you may think that every person you meet is not good enough without even knowing their faults. It’s possible to solve this issue by making a list of red flags and non-negotiable qualities. That way, you will clearly define the qualities that you are not interested in. Also, you’ll outline those that you absolutely need. You can be as thorough as possible. However, try to edit your list afterward and only include the qualities that truly matter to you.
All or Nothing
Wanting it all can make you inflexible. That can take the fun out of your dates. While it’s true that you deserve the best possible partner, it’s not always possible to find a perfect prince charming/femme fatale.
If you catch yourself within this mindset, you’ll notice that your standards are simply too high. It’s nearly impossible to find an ideal match on your first date, especially if you refuse to give someone a second chance. So don’t walk in with the goal of falling in love instantly or getting married within months. Otherwise, your pickiness can appear desperate, needy, and even a bit crazy to other people.
You Want an Epic Love Story Like in the Movies
When it comes to on-screen romances, it’s time to wake up and realize that they rarely ever happen. Plus, epic love stories never show you the other side of love. Love stories are a fantastic form of entertainment, but you shouldn’t apply them to real life.
Sure, you can learn some valuable lessons about romance from movies and books. However, they won’t really help you when it comes to choosing a partner. Moreover, they are rarely realistic and not the best example of how individuals should set their dating standards.
Like with our last point, looking for movie-like happy endings will also narrow your perspective. It will make you less open to compromise. In the end, this could ruin your chances of a great relationship with someone who isn’t a perfect clone of Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.
A Lot of Expectations
We are all human, which means that expectations often end in disappointment. To find out if you’re picky, make another list. This time, include your expectations and see how long it is. If it keeps getting bigger and bigger, then there’s definitely a problem. But, it’s perfectly healthy to have some non-negotiable expectations that your partner simply has to meet. That could include religion and career choices, stance on marriage, physical attraction, etc.
In most cases, those expectations will consist of values that are important to you. That is, they will be realistic and reasonable. Don’t focus on mundane expectations like your date’s car color, footwear choices, the ability to perform specific sexual maneuvers, and so on. You will pay too much attention to things that simply don’t matter in the big picture.
When it comes to expectations, you should narrow down your list to include only those values that are important and clearly thought out. So think about those that are negotiable. Try to get rid of as many as possible because that will make you more flexible.
Your Friends Tell You You’re Picky
Finally, your friends and family can help you a great deal with dating. They know you personally. They have probably been there during your happiest and saddest moments. That means they can assess your picky dating habits and choices (without judgment, hopefully). If they see right through you and tell you that you are being too selective, you should listen to their advice.
Since they are willing to help you and usually know you fairly well, they will provide their honest, unbiased opinion. That can help you to determine whether you’re being too picky. Plus, people that are close to you can also challenge you to fix your flaws. Ideally, they’ll have a much different perspective on your problems. They will be able to offer solutions that you may not have even considered. If you can’t rely on friends or family for this, it could be useful to see a therapist and allow them to analyze your dating habits.
It’s quite simple to find out if you’re a picky dater. However, you need to be brave and confront yourself openly. Luckily, it’s never too late, and if you follow our advice, you may just find a loving and committed partner!